Infinite Beginnings, Part Deux

Why am I having such a hard time getting from “there” to “here”? It has been over two weeks since I wrote about some simple and yet major moments in my life from aged 18 to 21, and I feel such a weight when I think of trying to verbalize or summarize the next 22 years. Oh, maybe it is because they were such heavy years? I mean, married again-twice, major life happenings; how do I detail the joys and pains of raising five children, or really, six, oh wait, plus a coupla years with a seventh son- not to mention losing babies to miscarriages, separations, reconciliations, living in my car, becoming a grandmother, even being a contestant in a popular game show, in a simple blog? Do people want to hear about fibromyalgia, what it feels like as a woman to lose tremendous amounts of hair, healing from many hurts of the first 17 years of life or from abusive marital situations or surviving, yes surviving attempted suicide? My heart says just to write it as it comes; but my head says to save most of it for a full-fledged book. I dunno, …we shall see. When you realize that within ten years you have moved twelve different times, worked for ten different bosses or companies, divorced and married again, filed bankruptcy, lost your home to a fire, oh why try,…..you realize that writing about it all will take time. So, I shall take the time.

My purpose in writing is somewhat selfish, yes- to heal my own head and heart from the unavoidable remnants and unhealed scars of repressed pain; but mostly, I wish to help others by telling my story, my stories; my truth. I am a walking irony- a mixed, no, mixed-up, missy, of sorts. I am a living dichotomy- half black, half white; half hillbilly, half city-girl; half empty, half full (okay, more than half full, really!! :) ). I only know that sometimes I wake up carrying so much I feel that the Lord wants me to say---to somebody. Sometimes I know just who I need to say something to; and sometimes I am completely astounded that the Word I have tucked in my heart becomes completely relevant or necessary for a situation or person on that particular day. Sometimes I know that I need to say what others are thinking and are afraid to say. And sometimes I just know that no matter how the truth may sting, it needs to be revealed- validated-counted for what it was.

So, this new beginning, this gift from God, serves as a springboard of hope; I hope for a better world (for me, for my children and grandchildren, for humanity). I hope to be able to see and promote and experience the exponential spread of love and peace and goodness. I hope that by looking back, if only for minor instances, I can pull out bits and pieces of my past, my memories, my life; and I can dust the cobwebs from it all, not to try and amend the truth, but to project the real beauty, the unmitigated ugliness, the intense depth and meaning of my existence in this world. I am no longer ashamed of who I am and where I came from, for what I have done; I can only hope that with accepting it all, the Lord counts me one step closer to blessed wisdom each and every day. I am thankful for everything that has brought me to now. I am more to be blessed if what I continue to share with the world will make a difference- a positive one. I use this new beginning to try and help, to better, to change the world—one moment, one person, one word at a time.