Dawn Renea—died today. Poor girl leaves only 17 FB friends to mourn her passing.

I am being facetious…sort of.

When I first joined FB, I truly was trying to check up on my teenagers (one in particular,….uh uhmmm….Ben….uh uhmmmm). Then I did my first search…nope, not on FB. Wait, I went to school with this gal,…and this guy. Hey, grown-ups are on FB! Ok, we all must be spying on our kids. Can’t hurt to say hello.

Oh wow, a ‘friend request’…hmmm….ok. Hey there, omg, can you believe it has been 25 years since we last saw each other?? Wow, love your pics! You look just like you did in high school! Remember when we used to….and whatever happened to ….? She’s on FB, too?? COOL!! Friend,….Friend…..Accept Friend Request…………………….and the cycle begins.

Wait, I don’t know you…do I? Um, let me get out my yearbook. Wow, um, …ok….Accept Friend Request. You wanna do WHAT to my WHAT? Now how do I delete this person???? Omg,…Ok, cool. I think I have the hang of this thing. Send chickens for your barn? HUH? You need wood to build your stable for your horses? Ahh,…block Farmville apps. Got it! Nowwww, I’m a PRO!

Wow, you have 1249 FRIENDS! Goodness….reminds me of the popularity issues in school. The pretty girls get all the friends and everyone loves their posts. The jocks get all the friends and everyone tries to tag onto them like puppy dogs. Jealousy is the same as it was 30 years ago. And us band geeks,…well, ….we geek on. But it’s all good. Heck, I’m in my 40’s. I need all the friends I can get, right?? I’m cruisin along.

“Repent and turn from your sinful ways or burn in HELL!” WHAT?!?!?! Did she just say what I thought she said?? Um, WTF are you doing on FB?? Vote for **** ! Stop cruelty to slugs and bugs! The rhetoric continues,…. “Stop illegal immigrants—support national police racial profiling, says the Confederate Party member-friend of a “friend” …sigh…..UNFRIEND.

Let folks be folks and just be me. Yeah, that’s it. Read the funny ones and inspiring ones, look at people’s pictures, and stay quiet. And then…reality finally started truly to set in. FB-FRIEND does not necessarily equal FRIEND. Heck, it doesn’t even necessarily equal FAMILY. My daddy was gone, the sudden painful loss of my father…Belinda, can you believe some of our own (relatives to be left unnamed) did not send a card, make a call, or have the gall to post a simple FB condolence?? Aw, hecks no…. ….Wow, ain’t that a blip! UNFRIEND.

This illustration is sad, funny, silly, but mostly true—truncated, but true. Caught up in believing that we have to accept every friend request (don’t wanna hurt anyone’s feelings) and that we must not be as cool because no one responds to our posts, that we are driven daily by how much FB play we got. Wow,….wow…

So,…time to take a step back and analyze what the heck is going on. First off, people are hurting. People yearn for connection. People are frustrated. And doggone it, some people are…let’s just say….mentally and emotionally challenged. My heart connects with every one of them. That’s right, I said it….every one of them--------to a degree. But there has come the time to say to myself, “Self, …you are NOT worth the number of FB likes you get today. You are not going to wither away if you do not stay friends with people that do not even wish you the obligatory FB “Happy Birthday” (or appreciate yours). Some people that were my best friends in high school or elementary school have evolved (or not evolved) and we just don’t click anymore. And, THAT IS OKAY!

So here is my FB revelation. A post represents a human being’s attempt to connect with others—their friends and/or subscribers (sigh), and everyone has their own reasons for being online. Not every thought or post connects…and that’s okay. Not everyone is online every day or every week. And that is okay. I do not have 1429 friends…and that’s okay. Some of us have hit that mid-life crisis point and reach out for validity and proof that we are still relevant. People share what means something to them. People get angry and want to vent. People want to prosthelytize,…and Praise God for it! I admire the stories of survival. I applaud the accolades of our children and our dogs/cats/horses and fish; and heck, ourselves. I love the shares. I mourn with those in pain. I enjoy the music. I get a kick out of the wit and humor (My Sons, Doug-E, Mikey V, and Donovan B, you are some of the coolest, funniest cats out there!). I show off my family and how proud I am of my children. I ask for and offer prayers. I seek to inspire, be inspired; enlighten and be enlightened. It’s a tough world out there. Soooo, if my friends list gets smaller, I do not take it as a defeat. I accept it as change. We grow, we move on,….There are some truly painful things going on in our world. I aspire to help lessen the pains. There are some really COOL things in our world. I aspire to find and explore each and every one of them. We only get one life, that we know of,...and I aim to make mine the best one I possibly can.
I only hope that the time I am YOUR FB friend that I have touched you—in a good way—no differently than from when I was 5 and 13 and 30,…and that when you think of me, or of something I said that one time, that it makes you smile. Know that if you are my “friend”…I appreciate you, your families, and the time we have “connected”. I will still raz the football foes (all in fun). I will still post random (what the heck is she talking about) posts. But most of all, I will take my 17 FB friends on my epitaph as a testament that somebody “gets” me…and gosh darn it, (some) people like me! 

Still,....I rise

A stroke of luck? An answer to prayer? I find it so amazing when I am looking for something so diligently, cannot seem to find it, and then when I least expect it,...there it is.
I had watched an episode of Master Class on the OWN channel, one featuring Maya Angelou. I was so fascinated by what I saw and heard, I kept rewinding to hear it, see it again. And when it ended, I saved the recording,...as if to record a moment of clarity for myself, a moment of liberation. But now I needed to find my book, I knew it was a small one, where was it? A book written by this woman whose autobiographical story I had read and essayed in my first semester in college...where was it? I realized the neglect of my treasure in this moment of loss. I must have lost it in the fire. And exactly one week from the day I had been looking, I went back to the room where I suspected it might lie, and there it was...hiding under a crossword puzzle magazine. Hmm..what had made me leave it there?
No matter, at this point, as to why or how I had so recklessly, or maybe neglectfully is a better word, hidden my treasure. I had found it. A book that was ironically given to me and inscribed by a woman that I really have never cared for, a woman who many people believe to be a loon, ...a woman who actually took the life of one of her husbands. Nevertheless, there it was....Phenomenal Woman: Four Poems Celebrating Women, under my book of crosswords.

It is so very short, this book...so small. Yet,...it encases so much power. Through all of the toils and tribulations I have endured over the past ten, eleven years, it has remained perfectly bound, perfectly encasing its greatness. I couldn't wait to open it up, almost tripping over my own two feet as I stepped over to my rocker and sat down to partake. Reading the words was feeding my starving soul. I heard her voice in my head as I read, I pretended I lay at her feet as she read to me. I needed to sup from her cup, to touch the hem of her garment, this woman....this phenomenal woman. I smiled a couple of times, as I heard her proclaim, " It's in the reach of my hips, the stride of my step, the curl of my lips. I'm a woman phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that's me." "Just like moons and like suns, with the certainty of tides, just like hope springing high, still I'll rise." "Centered on the world's stage, she sings to her loves and beloveds, to her foes and detractors: however I am perceived and deceived, however my ignorance and conceits, lay aside your fears that I will be undone, for I shall not be moved."

Oh, how my soul longs to know the depth of her wisdom. Oh, how my heart longs to feel the depth of her love for all those who have taught her to speak such eloquent and moving words. These people have been her lovers, her friends, her critics and her enemies. Yet, she stands in the power of who God made her to be: a believer in a world of skeptics, a beacon in a world of darkness, a woman who does not live with regrets.  She is me. She is you. She is phenomenal. And I thank God that I have been permitted to know of her, of her... and her words.

Why did I find this book tonight of all nights? Is it because I go through life stumbling upon greatness as a drunk falls into bed? Is it because I was sad today, feeling as though my power had been given away for the very last time, never to be regained and exercised?  I certainly hope not. I hope that the book found me, ...found me because I was searching, yearning for sustenance and vitamins for my soul. I do not know if this book has returned to me the full reverence, appreciation for where God has brought me.  But, as I reflect on those little black words, so perfectly placed upon those white pages, I do know this: I do not need to keep my head bowed in silence, fear, or shame. I can allow those tears to fall from my eyes, should they take the notion. I can strut my stuff on out the door instead of turning off my sexiness after I leave the mirror. I can laugh even though others choose to wallow in pain and self-pity. I am phenomenal.  I AM Maya Angelou. For WE are woman. We are here to shine. We rise like the sun. We spread our wings and soar above the madness. We shall not be moved.

So, when you see me with my head hung low, please remind me of my book. You won't have to direct me to the basket on the floor... in my reading room, under the book of puzzles. Instead, tell me to look up, up to the top shelf, where my book now proudly resides. For it is there to remind me,...to rise.

Give Responsibly

True peace can be experienced only when we stop giving and taking sorrow. In order not to give sorrow we need a clear heart that has no ill feelings; and for not taking sorrow we need a big heart that can tolerate and help other souls to get over their weaknesses. -T Carlos

This quote resonated  deeply in my soul today as I read it. Our focus on many days is on the sorrows of ourselves and others; the key to happiness is in learning radical re-focus and how to act in love.

I Am Woman

I am Woman

Standing proud, Saying LOUD,

“Lord, Have Mercy on me!”

I am a queen

Not of village or place but of beauty and grace

My reign will outlast my numbered years

I am strong

Whether alone or as two, my resolve will not move

I know I can conquer the world

I am complex

Treasures to unfold of mysteries untold

Through my heart flow rivers of love

I am delightful

Sexy and sweet, a delectable treat

My essence is a gift to mankind

I am beautiful

A café swirl, a brown-tinted girl,

My earthen-toned skin emanates loveliness

I am a survivor

Of pasts unfulfilled and bruised Spirit, …Still,

I continue to push toward greatness

by Dawn Renea ~2006

The Power of Positive

Cancer- a devastating entity that destroys everything in its path. To my knowledge, no reputable scientist, doctor or laboratory has announced cancer to have healing qualities, benefits, or any positive effects on human bodies. The strength in ones resolve to fight death, the bonding of the family that occurs, the coming to Jesus, the step closer to eradicating the disease; yes, these are often emotional, spiritual and intellectual ironic positive side effects that may occur; but for the most part, cancer is nothing but deadly. Negativity IS cancer. Negativity is deadly.
Have you ever noticed that when a negative person is in the room, in your group, and they begin to speak, almost immediately you feel the air being sucked out of the place? Moreover, have you ever just sat NEAR a person with a negative affect and felt growingly uncomfortable? I must answer yes to all of the above. But what to do when the cancer, the negative energy seems to be drawing on whatever small amount of life remains…what to do when you feel the negativity brewing inside of you and you just cannot seem to stop its growing hold…

People ask me all the time, "Renea, how do you stay so positive?" I dunno....It seems relatively easy to say….Be Like Jesus. It seems almost too common to say Think Positive. Sunday mornings provide the perfect platforms for the messages; but how often are we sitting on our church pews just having gossiped about the Pastor’s wife? How many times are we in a Rah-Rah meeting at work grumbling for hours about how much our company has let us down with salary cuts, defective office equipment, and inadequately trained bosses? But through it all, I still say, BE like Jesus; and Think POSITIVE, and covet and strive for an attitude of gratitude. And the Spirit will do the rest.

Even if you are not a Christian, it certainly cannot hurt to look into the texts that tell of how Jesus provided prime examples of how to turn on the positive vibes.When I think of BEING like Jesus, I guess I don’t look so much at what He said as to what He did while He was with us, how He WAS. I am not suggesting it is easy to develop a “turn the other cheek” attitude. But, if there is one thing I have learned, it is that attitude is from where our affect develops. And if we constantly take the “oh, woe is me” stance, or embrace or focus on what is wrong in situations, our entire aura starts to change, to darken. The cancer seed is planted.

Yes, even Jesus reached a point of crying out to His Father, “Why hast Thou forsaken me?”; but honestly, how many of us have been NAILED to a cross, given vinegar to sup, and been hung to die a slow agonizing death? (But even HE overcame the worst of the worst). What I am suggesting is to get into the Word and see that there were times when Jesus simply sat amongst a lot of hurting folks and was still able to comfort them with his aura of love and acceptance. He possessed an energy so positive and bright and loving that others were healed in their hearts, souls, and minds simply by being near Him; and simply saying “I have the Holy Spirit” is not ALL that is required to be Christ-like. Look at how Jesus refused to pick up the negative and legalistic viewpoints of his counterparts and how He strived to turn fear into faith, pain into joy without attacking and accusing the low in spirit. Remember that in His humanity, Jesus wept. He did not try and hide his emotions with a high and mighty attitude until they stewed within him and deadened his soul. When you meet with people who wish to spread cancerous gossip, turn it off by THEN turning the other cheek. Do it a few times and I promise it gets easier and easier to do. When you are surrounded by folks that just want to commiserate on how crappy work-life is, just smile and keep thinking warm thoughts. Send them a secret message of love and hope that cancerous opinions will be eradicated, or at least minimized. And if it gets too “hot” in that bed of negative vibes, GET OUT OF THAT ROOM!! Go find a place to sing a song of hope and joy and love or a place to think warm thoughts or read positive words....or put on your I-Pod and get lost in your good tunes! It is by remaining within the grasp of the un-medicated cancer that the cells are further and further poisoned.

How can I “think positive”, when my man did me wrong and my checks are bouncing and my children are acting up and I cannot see how things will improve? Many people suggest, “if you think you have it bad, think of the person who lost a leg or who has a debilitating disease or lost a loved one”; but I don’t like this approach to thinking positive. It can be superficial. I hurt, dag-on it, and I don’t want to be compared to someone else in order to stop feeling sorry for myself. It is all about turning your thoughts toward what you know to be good, loving, and life-giving. BELIEVE that everything is going to be all right by first learning to remind YOURSELF that everything IS going to BE all right. Jesus said in Mark 9:23, ALL things are possible to him that believeth. So think it until you believe it and watch how positive energy can multiply just as quickly and fervently as cancer. Watch how as you strive to change your thoughts you begin to feel the cobwebs being cleared from within your heart and the light returning to your soul. Two lights---the Light of the Spirit and the light-ness of the negative loads that have built up in there. Surround yourself with people who also strive to build positive energy and to build up one another.

When you start to sense a negative thought coming on, IMMEDIATELY turn it into a thought of gratefulness for something that has truly been good—even if all you can think of in that moment is how glad you are that your head doesn’t hurt as much as it did an hour ago or how thankful you are that you only bounced two checks this week instead of the three you bounced last week. Sounds silly, but I am not being facetious. I am a living witness as to the power of positive thinking and to the positive effects of developing an attitude of gratitude. I began by COVETING the gratitude that I saw in and heard from others—others who were happy, humble, peaceful and positive. Yes, I did what the Bible says not to do…I coveted….but I believe that the Lord appreciates the difference between being so jealous that you grow more negative and wanting to experience the Spirit we see in others who have learned to master the tasks a little while before we did. Continue to work on the foundation of belief and simultaneously ask the Lord to point the ways to make the right choices that keep you from those headaches and those bounced checks, and that MAN that plagues you. I am not fully empty of negative thinking or of feeling sorry for myself when things go badly; but I started feeling a whole lot better about life when I let myself covet that positive energy that I knew was the Holy Spirit; and I coveted it until I experienced it. I experience it until I grow full of it…and hopefully, as I continue to grow, the rooms I enter will become a little bit brighter, and the conversations will be a little bit lighter, and the cancers will be held at bay.

Infinite Beginnings, Part Deux

Why am I having such a hard time getting from “there” to “here”? It has been over two weeks since I wrote about some simple and yet major moments in my life from aged 18 to 21, and I feel such a weight when I think of trying to verbalize or summarize the next 22 years. Oh, maybe it is because they were such heavy years? I mean, married again-twice, major life happenings; how do I detail the joys and pains of raising five children, or really, six, oh wait, plus a coupla years with a seventh son- not to mention losing babies to miscarriages, separations, reconciliations, living in my car, becoming a grandmother, even being a contestant in a popular game show, in a simple blog? Do people want to hear about fibromyalgia, what it feels like as a woman to lose tremendous amounts of hair, healing from many hurts of the first 17 years of life or from abusive marital situations or surviving, yes surviving attempted suicide? My heart says just to write it as it comes; but my head says to save most of it for a full-fledged book. I dunno, …we shall see. When you realize that within ten years you have moved twelve different times, worked for ten different bosses or companies, divorced and married again, filed bankruptcy, lost your home to a fire, oh why try,…..you realize that writing about it all will take time. So, I shall take the time.

My purpose in writing is somewhat selfish, yes- to heal my own head and heart from the unavoidable remnants and unhealed scars of repressed pain; but mostly, I wish to help others by telling my story, my stories; my truth. I am a walking irony- a mixed, no, mixed-up, missy, of sorts. I am a living dichotomy- half black, half white; half hillbilly, half city-girl; half empty, half full (okay, more than half full, really!! :) ). I only know that sometimes I wake up carrying so much I feel that the Lord wants me to say---to somebody. Sometimes I know just who I need to say something to; and sometimes I am completely astounded that the Word I have tucked in my heart becomes completely relevant or necessary for a situation or person on that particular day. Sometimes I know that I need to say what others are thinking and are afraid to say. And sometimes I just know that no matter how the truth may sting, it needs to be revealed- validated-counted for what it was.

So, this new beginning, this gift from God, serves as a springboard of hope; I hope for a better world (for me, for my children and grandchildren, for humanity). I hope to be able to see and promote and experience the exponential spread of love and peace and goodness. I hope that by looking back, if only for minor instances, I can pull out bits and pieces of my past, my memories, my life; and I can dust the cobwebs from it all, not to try and amend the truth, but to project the real beauty, the unmitigated ugliness, the intense depth and meaning of my existence in this world. I am no longer ashamed of who I am and where I came from, for what I have done; I can only hope that with accepting it all, the Lord counts me one step closer to blessed wisdom each and every day. I am thankful for everything that has brought me to now. I am more to be blessed if what I continue to share with the world will make a difference- a positive one. I use this new beginning to try and help, to better, to change the world—one moment, one person, one word at a time.

Infinite Beginnings

Blogging...uh, well, I have heard of it. I have thought about doing it. But why? Who wants to know what I have to say. More importantly, who cares? And how in the world does one go about starting one?

For as long as I can remember, I have been curious. Curious about EVERYthing. I know it works, but HOW? I realize it is out there somewhere, but WHERE? Sure you explained it to me, now let ME try! The fabulous thing about being curious is most times, the curious one is the first to try, the first to discover, the first to know. I am far from being a Vasca de Gama or a Christina Columbus, but I would think it very fair to say that I am the most adventurous person in my family. I have not yet conquered my irrational fear of flying over the seas to Europe or Asia or Africa, but I have logged a heck of a lot of miles on my vehicles, my Skymiles account, and my body.  One thing is for sure, I am always willing to take at least one more step than yesterday, see what new things I can get into, and appreciate about humankind, about life, in an ever-expanding Universe....or maybe I just get bored easily!
:-D

No sense talking about the first 17 years of newness and intrigue and the wild reckless abandon of a life I led (my friends who knew me then will giggle at that one). When it was time to head off to college, to get and do what it takes to become a doctor, break those parent-strings, I was not the least bit worried or frightened or reluctant; but ask me to part from my brand new boyfriend? Are you kidding?! But I did it; and off to a new city, a new experience, I went. For awhile. Cincinnati, Ohio, is not exactly Paris; but to an 18 yr old girl with stars in her eyes, it might as well have been. I wasn't there long, mind you. That boyfriend thing just tugged and tugged at me til I found myself right back in my hometown. But Now, moving back in with my parents, I was an adult, someone who had spent the last three months growing up at least 12 years in maturity! Ok, so now to attend a new college... smaller, liberal arts college, same major, And three semesters later, small didn't seem so good anymore., and neither did my parent's house. Where were the high tech computers (ok, only so high tech in the 80s)? Where were the big marching bands at football games and air conditioned labs and classrooms, and PARTIES? OHIO STATE- THAT'S where they were. NEXT!

Wow! Talk about starry eyed! At first, anyway. I mean, yes, I had grown up hearing more about THE Ohio State University than American History in high school; so it's not like it was some place foreign or to be afraid of. Turns out, it wasn't. And if I had been satisfied with making $4.75 per hour, going to a few of Jane and Michelle's house parties, and not being married anymore, it just might have been a great place to explore a little more. But, time to marry that handsome boyfriend, six months my junior, but at least 8 yrs. wiser than me (yeah, right). And time to get a REAL job---let's be a COP!!

If I heard it once, I heard it five hundred times,..."you sound JUST like the mousy voiced girl in the Policy Academy movies!" WhatEVER! Bet you wouldn't say that if you saw me take down a perp (I hate that word that CSI sooo overuses!!) or break into a crackhouse! Okay, maybe I didn't actually BREAK into a crackhouse, but I was in my fair share of them. Not very pleasant places to be...but as a cop, the chance to experience humanity at all levels and stages and conditions was amazing. But, as I kept choosing to expand my horizons, learn more about religions, and languages, and foods, and peoples, my young marriage kept moving backwards in time. Growing more and more immature, taking a toll on two young people who really did love each other. They just did not know how to show it and grow it. NEXT!

Isn't it cool to know that with blogging, the next installment can take up at this beginning's end?